Redefining Success & Laughing at my Absurdity

Redefining Success & Laughing at my Absurdity

Redefining Success & Hugging my Absurd Self

As Chuck & I sat outside last night- I shared flashbacks from my, “Lucille Ball-like,” behavior at my anesthesia-free procedure 11 days ago. I felt that internal hug of acceptance with each giggle 🤭, as I re-counted the nurses instructing me, ‘to log roll across the side-by-side gurneys’ (in order to mix the contrast dye that had been injected into my spinal column). Instead, I began proudly 🐕 dog crawling, back & forth across the 2 beds.

Their laughter & exasperation, still rings in my head, as if I was a 3 year-old. I’ve had plenty of these procedures to know what to do, but I lost my marbles, that day.

     As soon as that contrast hit my brain earlier in the procedure, (#myelogram- flip you on tilt table while performing imaging to see where the contrast dye LEAKS out via 🕳️ holes in my #dura. The contrast dye irritates your brain & nerve chords), I kept feeling that deep burn with each tilt & I auto-push’ed off that table like Hulk, as I felt 6 hands pull me back down scolding me as they finally resigned to dosing me with meds b/c of my non-compliance. I recall exclaiming, “You see my big ass, I don’t care 🤷‍♀️,” as if the visual of my nakedness was the key 🔑 threat to my freedom. #cringe

If I had done this 7 years ago, my inner critic/shame would’ve been a toxic internal barrage during painful, post-procedure healing ❤️‍🩹. Shame is not conducive for healing. Looking back, I wasn’t aware of the Pressure I placed on myself to be the ideal patient; to hold it all together while leaking spinal fluid, working too much, raising money for cancer research and planning a wedding 💒 in 2018- It was all too much for my failing health & the stress ultimately took it’s toll. Sure, I probably made my parents proud, I was thin & had money, but I was not taking care of my emotional & mental health. In my mind I wasn’t thin enough, good enough, well enough. 

     The journey inward is scary but so interesting & the gifts of freedom are spectacular when we’re willing to get to know all of ourselves- what we fear, what actually makes us happy- all of it. This internal journey keeps revealing the lesson of, I just gotta’ embrace my absurd, imperfect self- I heal faster, physically, this way ! Working with new physical limitations, while trying to build my multi-faceted Art 🎨 website is a slow process, but it’s my Dream & it’s coming together, slowly 🩵, but surely.

Gentleness, step by step = key 🔐

      I have always been quirky, rebellious, sensitive & oh sooo imperfect, so why have I tried so hard to be anything other than ME over the years?- I’ve never fooled anyone . I’m just trying to do the best I can to go with the flow of my human frailty these days.

(A beautiful painting is one with dimension- both shadow & light 🥰)

Thanks for listening 🫶🏻

#selfacceptance #selflove #humor #eds #csfleaks

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