“I am a lady, just not your type, Dad.” -Julia Child
Whenever my mom would say to me, “You are not a lady!” I would reply, “I never said I was 😉.”
After my basketball games, while growing up, I would scamper up to my parents in hopes of finally making them proud with the 8 points I scored. I did a good job, but the focus quickly moved to what my mother wanted to talk about, “When you sit on the bench, your knees are wide open like a boy. You need to close your knees like a lady…” My hope for an “Attagirl,” deflated slowly- I remember that sinking, gut-punch disappointment. I would end up climbing out my bathroom window every night to spend time looking at the moon and the stars. I’d write my feelings in poetry form or pray out loud, listen to music when everyone was asleep… I was trying to make sense of the not-good-enoughness I felt.
I thought the problem was all me. This was a highly sensitive little girl who needed some nurturing peppered in with critique, of course there would be sad emotions. What I didn’t know was I was doing the right things to keep my heart open in the face of my parents just being imperfect human parents. I was in constant conversation with God, which invited the Divine in to comfort and help guide me through my home life that looked like a Christmas card on the outside.
My creative writing and tearful talks with the moon allowed my feelings to be expressed, which meant they passed through me and I was quickly freed of resentment; always ready to love wholeheartedly again.
It wasn’t until high school when I discovered the unhealthy coping mechanism of alcohol, when things started to get dicey, but this is also a cool part of my story; the rickety bridge that ultimately led to my soul's Freedom and who I am today. It’s a beautiful thing when we can look at our pain & worst decisions that once haunted us with heartbreak & shame, and we can honestly say, “I love this, too.” We gotta love the whole painting of our lives. There’d be no dimension without the dark accents. We are all human, and life is our teacher for constant growth. It is a journey, and it’s about progress, not perfection- thank goodness 🙏✍️🫶🏻.